Keeping Up Appearances At Fawlty Towers
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: The whole crew of Keeping Up Appearances stays at Fawlty Towers due to Hyacinth's false impressions of what the hotel really is. Also, a commercial is aired featuring Onslow. Rose is reunited with Mr. Wokenstik.


Keeping Up Appearances at Fawlty Towers:

There were always certain words that would echo in the mind of Hyacinth Bouquet as she slept. These said words would often inspire her

to plan for an event in the morning, although the events did not always go as planned.

"Place mats," she murmured in her sleep. "Large glass place-mats-with dear little songbirds on them" she added. Richard barely heard her, but woke up.

"Places everyone? Already? Wha-wha-where do I sit?" asked Richard.

"Dear, you're dreaming you're still working at the council" suggested Hyacinth.

"Oh, I-I-I suppose you're right Hyacinth. It shan't be so any longer, I shall return to my resting" said Richard, pulling Hyacinth's blanket over his head.

"Dear, you stole my blanket" said Hyacinth.

"We both agreed last night, it's OUR blanket Hyacinth" replied Richard.

"Dear that blanket is expensive" said Hyacinth.

"Does that mean we shouldn't even use it?" asked Richard.

"Well I suppose it's the tragedy of circumstance, yes we must use it, but you happen to be the one who misuses it," replied Hyacinth.

"Sorry," replied Richard. "I just wasn't aware that blankets could be misused"

"It's alright Richard. Though this blanket was handmade in silver by skilled artisans of the utmost caliber it is certainly not the penultimate desideratum that will adequately treat guests the way they should be treated. The place-mats will serve the aforementioned purpose most respectfully" said Hyacinth.

"So what was it you said that I had the bloody misfortune to have dreamt about?" asked Richard.

"Oh nothing, dear. The placemats from Fawlty Towers should arrive here today" said Hyacinth.

"Fawlty Towers? I've read some rather strange things about that place in the papers" said Richard.

"Nonsense, Richard. Sir Richard and Lady Morris stayed there, it is the crème de la crème of hotels, the primadonna one might say" said Hyacinth.

"Well if it's what you say it is then why did I just read in the papers that some hooligans ran in there chasing a pigeon they thought was an elemental spirit?" asked

Richard.

"There will always be hooligans who enter refined places...I know that better than most" said Hyacinth.

"Yes, but I'm not sure Fawlty Towers even IS refined. Even some crystals of sugar claim to be refined, and we all know what happens to children who eat too much of it" said Richard.

"A teaspoon helps the medicine go down Richard. Oh how things would be so much easier if I were Poppins!" replied Hyacinth.

Morning arrives:

"Listen Richard," said Hyacinth. She joined and then separated her index-fingers and rose them in the air as though she were conducting an orchestra then paused awkwardly with a devious grin. "Elizabeth is coming, and I expect things from you"

"Things? What sort of things from me are you expecting with a vague ambiguous statement such as that?" asked Richard.

"Great things, Richard" said Hyacinth as she patted Richard on the shoulder in a vigorous fashion.

"Please Hyacinth-must you be this way? Why can't you just cut to the chase and tell me what I'm to do with myself?" asked Richard.

"You are to look as though you did not enter early retirement and you are to look as though you are still with the council!" exclaimed Hyacinth

"How am I to do that?" asked Richard. Hyacinth came and placed a laptop onto his lap neatly.

"What? What is this all about?" asked Richard.

"You are in an important Skype conference. In this day and age one must have taken part in at least one Skype conference with their executive superiors" said Hyacinth.

"Isn't that a bit pretentious?" asked Richard.

"Richard, if there's one thing I can't stand it is someone who is pretentious. Delusions of grandeur do nothing but destroy the soul" replied Hyacinth.

"How will I convince Elizabeth I'm in a Skype conference?" asked Richard.

"Gold plated footpaths!" shouted Hyacinth.

"What is that supposed to mean? And I'll take the term 'pavement' any day over a footpath!" said Richard.

"Just say this in the middle of our meal 'David, gold-plated pavements may sound like a dream but I think they are crucial to this towns posterity,' and then all shall be fine" said Hyacinth, as she clasped her hands together with a bizarre expression that admittedly words can't express.

"What? That doesn't even sound like something I'd say. It sounds more like something you'd say" said Richard.

"Yes," said Hyacinth nodding. "Exactly dear! Exactly!" said Hyacinth. The doorbell rang.

"What was it you were going on about last night?" asked Richard.

"PLACEMATS!" shouted Hyacinth, as she spotted the mailman a few feet away depositing a package on the ground and then running away at what seemed like the speed of light to make sure he did not encounter the bucket woman.

She opened up the door to see Elizabeth, but she bolted past her. Elizabeth was confused. She looked at Richard in horror.

"Is something wrong with Hyacinth?" asked Elizabeth.

"Placemats," said Richard, grimacing.

"Placemats?" asked Elizabeth. "How can one get in such a tizzy over place-mats? Is something wrong with Hyacinth?" she demanded to know.

"Is the sky blue in the springtime?" asked Richard.

"Oh," said Elizabeth. "Yes, yes I suppose you're right! Haha" said Elizabeth, laughing joyously.

"Your laughter is music to my ears" said Richard. Then Hyacinth came back with a package the size of Buckingham Palace.

"That's a rather large package Hyacinth," said Elizabeth. "Would you like our help?" she asked.

"Richard and I can do it! I WILL not have you take part in this delicate heavenly process" said Hyacinth. Richard and Hyacinth picked up the package, struggling a bit,

yet managed to pull it into the kitchen. Hyacinth pulled out some large scissors and cut it open revealing a large assortment of extremely expensive place-mats.

"I do feel rather hungry looking at these" said Richard.

"Be gone then, to the kitchen with you! BE GONE!" shouted Hyacinth.

"Oh, alright" said Richard. "Do we have any more Banketstaaf Dutch pastries?" he asked.

"Sadly, no," replied Hyacinth.

"Oh, alright, I'll make something else" said Richard.

"Now Elizabeth, these this is the customary long-established art of delectably decorative decoupage on place-mats handmade here in England. They are made of glass with protective felt backing, oh they're simply marvelous" said Hyacinth.

"Yes, yes they certainly are marvelous," said Elizabeth.

"RICH-ARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" shouted Hyacinth.

"Making dinner, I'm quite crafty in the kitchen" replied Richard. Hyacinth followed Richard into the kitchen.

"I WILL not have you making dinner in this fashion" said Hyacinth. "You must offer some to our guest," she replied.

"But-but-I don't think this is the sort of sustenance you would consider-you know-upper crust" said Richard.

"Yes, serve it Richard. Even the crusts, I am a gracious host and I WILL not have my guests leave malnourished" replied Hyacinth. She stormed out of the

room. Richard continued stirring with a wooden apparatus.

"But I'm making macaroni and cheese! Bah, she's gone" said Richard. Richard then served it up on the table.

"When you said you were crafty in the kitchen I did not realize you were spelling crafty with a k" said Hyacinth.

"What is this? I mean I don't dislike it-it's surely palatable," said Elizabeth, holding the macaroni fork up to her mouth, her eyes ablaze with fiery shock.

"Malaroobanoni Binstrootiski. A very elegant Italian dish. Rumor has it that usually only the Pope even gets to partake in it" said Richard. Elizabeth had never seen or heard of macaroni in her life. She believed Richard's words to be as true and righteous as the Magna Carta.

"It's-it's delicious Hyacinth" said Elizabeth.

"Oh well, let her think it," Hyacinth muttered. She then began to speak: "Yes, yes, glad you like it dear" said Hyacinth.

"Da-Da-David, Dave. Davey!" said Richard, looking at his closed laptop intently. Yes it was closed. He forgot to open it to appear more professional.

"Who's David?" asked Elizabeth.

"David, gold-plated pavements may sound like a dream but I think they are crucial to this towns posterity" said Richard. Elizabeth backed away from Richard as though he were insane.

Hyacinth glanced at Elizabeth and winked at her. Now Elizabeth was even more confused.

"He's in a very important Skype conference, dear, so keep it as quiet and toned down as possible" said Hyacinth. This embarrassed Elizabeth to no end.

"Very important conference," replied Richard. Elizabeth spilled her coffee on the place-mat. Not realizing the door was still open, Hyacinth had inadvertently

let a cat inside which jumped onto the table, sending a glass place-mat to the floor with an earth shattering sound.

"Richard is such a fine man. He never lets anything get in the way of his work" said Hyacinth.

"Oh, yes. Yes he is! You're a lucky woman Hyacinth" said Elizabeth.

"Mind the Royal Doulton with the handpainted periwinkles dear!" said Hyacinth. No sooner had Hyacinth uttered those words the sound of broken glass could be heard.

"I'm sorry about all this. And the place-mats too, Hyacinth" said Elizabeth. Hyacinth pulled out some more place-mats.

"No matter dear. I have some more in store made in a luxurious platinum style in a random weave with the appearance of precious metal wire. Completely stain-resistant and very compact and resilient, the result of the pinnacle of all craftsmanship programs that would rival even that of my Sheridan. It has a smooth flat surface and a beautiful drape. It is intricate and precise and has all the markings of a superior breed of palatable palatine authority " said Hyacinth.

"Of course Hyacinth," said Elizabeth as she pretended to understand Hyacinth's words.

"Elizabeth," said Hyacnith. "Do remember to put the place-mats in their proper positions on the table. It is important to think of your items as a battalion of ships positioning themselves for war" she added.

"Yes Hyacinth" replied Elizabeth, in a nervous tone.

"I always told my Sheridan when he was a child that if he put his silverware in the wrong place-or anything else for that matter that the demons would take his toys into the depths of Hell and feed them to a sentient fire hydrant with sharp teeth. Sheridan was scared to death of fire hydrants, the poor dear-just like his mommy" explained Hyacinth.

"I'm very intrigued Hyacinth," said Elizabeth in a sarcastic tone.

Later...we join Elizabeth and her brother Emmett back in their home:

"I just got a call from Hyacinth. She wants us all to go to some hotel called Fawlty Towers" said Elizabeth.

"Go...to a hotel? Liz, usually when one goes to a hotel it is because one plans to use the hotel as a means to eventually arrive somewhere else!" said Emmet, making a fist

and slamming his piano keys

"You know Hyacinth. Logic doesn't always suit her the same way it does we mortals" said Elizabeth.

"Surely there must be some irrational reason that snake wants us to slither on down there" said Emmet.

"Well Hyacinth says it's because she likes the place-mats they have" said Elizabeth.

"That's like climbing Mt. Everest because you like to look at snow and rocks!" said Emmet.

"True, true, but I think it's only proper that we go" replied Elizabeth.

"Oh, I suppose you're correct. But I cannot go. I've read about that hotel Liz, it's run by a madman" said Emmett.

"No madman can possibly hold a candle to Hyacinth, even at one of her candlelight suppers! Besides, it's only a day, what could go wrong?" asked Elizabeth.

"What could go wrong? Everything!" replied Emmett.

We join Daisy, Onslow and Rose in their flat:

"I'm going to do this, I'm going to make it work" said Onslow as he backed up slowly from the television. He gained traction and like a battering ram he bolted up against

the TV like a raging bull and then slammed it with his elbow with all his might but to no avail.

"It's broken," said Onslow. "The sodden thing is broken" Just then Daisy came into the room.

"Ah, there you are. Practicing for when you destroy my enemies and defend my honor, ugh, I LOVE IT SO MUCH!" said Daisy.

"Right well, can you ask Father about his Roku? I know he's just been running around wearing that fake mustache but please try will you?" asked Onslow.

"Yes, yes I can," replied Daisy earnestly and yet in a somewhat hesitant disappointed tone. She brought back the TV.

"Incredible, I don't believe it" said Onslow.

"Rose says he's gone-so I don't see any harm in using it until then!" said Daisy. Onslow turned on the Roku flatscreen and began browsing the selections when Rose entered the room decked out in gray spotted leopard lingerie from Alice and Altrid Departments.

"How do I look?" asked Rose, slowly swaying her hips.

"Like our Rose," replied Onslow.

"I wanted to put disco lights in this room. Can I put disco lights in this room? I bought a disco device on the Ebay" said Rose.

"No," replied Onslo.

"Why?" asked Rose.

"Father might think the lights are Foo Fighters and declare war on the great enemy known as the ceiling" replied Onslow.

"You should show Onslow your new creepy dancing Hyacinth screensaver" said Daisy.

"No, I don't think I will. It's really not for everyone" replied Rose. "You know what's ringing in my head?" she asked.

"What?" asked Onslo.

"The song by ABBA: Gimme Gimme Gimme a Man After Midnight. And really, I'm serious, won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?" shouted Rose in a dramatic tone. Onslow laughed.

"Maybe Mr. Whateverhisnameis can help you chase the shadows while I go get some more crisps" said Onslow.

Daisy chuckled turned her attention to Onslow.

"Onslow, do you have to just sit there eating crisps?" asked Daisy.

"Yes. It's part the second law of thermodynamics, you see Daze-isolated systems separate from the outside world tend to even out better" said Onslow.

He continued, "It's entropy. Without rates of increase and decrease, we are not limited by time and space," said Onslow.

"So what you're saying is that couch potatoes are time travelers. I wanted to write a screenplay for that concept long ago. It would be called The Paranormal Potato" said

Daisy.

"Thermodynamics...it's all about heat...and relations. Makes me want to give Mr. Wakerfield a call" said Rose

"The entropy of the cosmic clay is directly proportional to our programs measurements of the number of space patches" the man on TV stated.

"What is he watching? Open Universe?" asked Daisy.

"The etymology of magic is enveloped in mystery which clouds our judgement, which should be precise & intricate, there is so

much more than just time and space. It is the small isolated molecules that matter most...such as potato crisps.

Yes, you heard me: Potato crisps are important!" said the voice on TV.

"So true," said Onslow. "Now let's hear his analysis of tomato soup"

"Think of a boiling kettle, if enough bubbles rise-water overflows. " the man on TV stated.

"So true," said Rose, as she went cross-eyed for a brief moment.

"Oh our Rose, what is it this time? Usually you have something to tell us when you storm into the room like an unhinged cheetah ghost from beyond!" shouted

Onslow.

"Well if you must know the truth...it's Father. He's gone again" said Rose.

"I knew that. He loaned me his Roku" replied Onslow.

"By the way-you need to see this" said Rose, violently and passionately placing a piece of tabloid newspaper trash in Daisy's hands.

"What is it?" asked Daisy, eyeing Rose with confusion.

"Just READ IT!" demanded Rose in an angry tone.

"Sexiest man alive: ONSLOW" read the paper. Daisy fainted, but recovered after Rose whispered in her ears the following:

"I photo shopped it!" Rose whispered, and then grinned ear to ear.

Rose's smart-phone went off on a fiery passionate tangent. Rose answered.

"Yes? Is this Mr. Wakerfield or Mr. Wokenstick?" asked Rose.

"Maybe it's both, and you all can have a threesome!" said Onslow laughing.

"Bug off Onslow!" protested Rose.

Hyacinth responded to Rose on the phone.

"This is not any of your gentleman friends. I will not have you uttering such unrepeatable easily refutable sources in my presence" said Hyacinth.

"Presence?" inquired Rose. She smoked from a cigarette briefly. "How could I be in your presence-when I'm all alone and wildly wireless on Verizon?" asked Rose.

"We're all going to a luxurious resort known as Fawlty Towers. Pack your things...well..not ALL your things Rose!" said Hyacinth. Rose hung up.

"We're going to stay at Fawlty Towers. Oh, I have more than my share of pleasant memories there. That night Mr. WokenStick and I were on the third floor, he had

smuggled me in without the crabby but oddly dishy old bastard noticing. We eloped so strongly-dishy!" said Rose.

"Oh keep it to yourself our Rose. Let's all get this over with!" said Onslow.

"Take me with you!" said Daisy.

"Why wouldn't I? You're my wife" said Onslow.

"It's just that-I need to dress you properly. Ahem, I mean WE need to dress you properly" said Daisy. Rose and Daisy then manhandled Onslow and forced an exorbitant brown tweed-suit upon him.

"Oh nice. Stop it, I said I would only wear this for one special occasion...our wedding day...and never again" said Onslow.

"From now on...every day is our wedding day" said Daisy.

"You're going to wear this. You can do it, tiger! Haha. My favorite thing to say" said Rose.

"NO NO NO! I won't! This is assault and battery" protested Onslow. But it was too late. The suit had gotten the best of him and he succombed to its captivating charms, but not as much as Daisy did.

"Onslow...you look so sharp" said Daisy.

"Oh, nice!" said Onslow.

"I can't believe we're actually doing this" said Rose.

"So is everyone coming?" asked Daisy.

"Everyone except Violet. The one with the Mercedes and the swimming pool and sauna and room for a pony excetera excetera! Too many husband issues" explained Rose.

"I for one am glad we're staying at a hotel. The romantic novel I'm reading takes place in a hotel" said Daisy.

"I don't envy the owners of hotels but the only hotel I'd ever want to run is Hilbert's Hotel. It's basically this theory that you can have an infinite number guests if you keep shuffling them room to room. That'd drive em crazy, heheh!" said Onslow smiling.

"Onslow, do you think maybe you could get a job at Oreily's company?" asked Daisy.

"I'll look into it," replied Onslow.

At Fawlty Towers:

"We're nearly out of our place-mats. Some bucket woman keeps ordering them. Now we have to use the cheap crummy ones! MANUEL GET OVER HERE!" shouted Basil.

"What you want Mr. Fawlty?" asked Manuel.

"I want you to guard the door and make sure no riff-raff get in" said Basil. Manuel raced to the door. Basil heard an explosion. He looked outside and

saw it was only a 1978 Ford Cantina making a horrible backfire noise after stopping in the parking lot. Onslow, Daisy, and Rose emerged, joining themselves with

Hyacinth and Richard who also emerged from a nearby Rolls Royce, yes, they really owned one this time.

"Oh good god, such strange beasts. Manuel do your thing" said Basil.

"Juggling?" asked Manuel, confused. Basil didn't hear him. Manuel began juggling kiwis and durians as the Keeping Up Appearances crew entered the establishment.

"What you think, eh?" asked Manuel. Rose bent herself down to see Manuel.

"I think you're quite the showman!" said Rose.

"Good, good" said Manuel, as he continued juggling. Hyacinth made her way to the reception desk.

"Good evening, Mrs. Bucket do you have a reservation?" said Basil.

"It's bouquet! I implore you to get it right" said Hyacinth, who looked very frustrated.

"Right, but it's spelled B-U-C-K-E-T. That doesn't sound so flowery" said Basil.

"Yes dear but you don't always say things how they're spelled. If you did, you'd still be in Kindergarten" replied Hyacinth. Basil looked affronted.

"Will you please sign the paper you're starting to get on my nerves. I already lived through one charge of the fright brigade last Halloween!" said Basil.

"I only sign papers with an Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen, no exceptions" said Hyacinth.

"Yes. So why didn't you bring your own pen then?" asked Basil.

"I normally do. I figured an establishment such as this one would have them on display for all to see" said Hyacinth.

"I tend not to show my pearls before swine-nasty habit of mine. You can't have the Aurora whatever it is pen!" said Basil.

"Ahem. The Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen!" said Hyacinth. "If my Sheridan were here he'd be appalled" she added.

"We don't have an Aurora DinnerMonte Fountain Pen, thank you very much. So why don't you sign with a regular pen like a regular human being" said Basil.

"I WILL not sign with that lower echelon pen. I am also NOT a regular human being. Do we have to make this difficult?" asked Hyacinth.

"I don't know, do we? Come to think of it I wish pens truly were mightier than the sword" muttered Basil.

"LOOK WHAT I FOUND! I found very expensive pen! Someone must have dropped it on ground, it's so incredible!" said Manuel.

"I'll be taking that," said Basil as he violently relinquished the pen from Manuel's grasp.

"But it's nice!" protested Manuel. Luckily, the pen was an Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen.

"Here is your prestigious regal pen. I heard the Queen once knighted David Niven with it, could be just a rumor" said Basil, chuckling to himself nervously.

"OHH, that is wonderful. I think that's so fine. You have such taste" said Hyacinth.

"Well, I try. I have this overwhelming feeling that we both try very hard. Idiosyncratic to our characters you might say. Well then, Manuel will show you to your rooms.

Move your butts" said Basil.

"I do beg your pardon?" asked Hyacinth.

"Move...move yourselves. To your rooms. AT ONCE, yes that's what I was saying!" shouted Basil, scaring Hyacinth up to her room. Richard approached the desk.

"So you're with her eh? Lucky you" said Basil in a sarcastic tone.

"It grows on you over a long period of time" said Richard.

"Well then Mr. Bucket best be going you signed already!" said Basil.

"It's Bouquet" replied Richard.

"Nice golf we're having these days isn't it?" said Basil.

"Yes, yes" said Richard.

"Well, anyway, you'd best be going" said Basil. Manuel guided Richard to his room with the key and then Onslow, Daisy, and Rose approached the desk. Well, Rose did.

"Remember me? I'm Rose!" said Rose. Basil reminded her of Mr. Wakerfield.

"Yes, Yes, of course. I remember you, Rose, haha, good old Rose!" said Basil. Sybil eyed him suspiciously, then Basil immediately changed his tone.

"Ahem, excuse me, actually no, never seen you before in my life. You have less thorns than any rose I've ever met," said Basil.

"Yes, well some say I can sometimes be-a tiny bit uninhibited, aheheh" whispered Rose.

"Well, we're out of rooms for today, so you'll have to leave, we've no room for suggestive nylons, be gone!" said Basil, catching himself after observing Rose's legs.

"The only thing he notices is my nylons? REALLY?" grumbled Rose angrily.

"I'll handle this Basil," said Sybil as she commandeered the situation.

"He's funny," said Onslow.

"He's dishy!" said Rose, gazing at Basil as he stormed away in a huff to his office.

"So, I'll be staying here for tonight," said Onslow.

"Oh, I know. Has anyone told you how handsome you are?" asked Sybil, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously at the smartly dressed Onslow.

"Yes, and too often. Does this place have a Telly?" asked Onslow.

"Yes, yes, it does" said Sybil, sighing.

"Oh, nice!" said Onslow, grinning and grabbing a chocolate Mars bar that had been left near the money jar. Daisy eyed Sybil with a deadly glare.

"He's mine!" said Daisy.

"Would you like to handle things at the desk again Basil?" asked Sybil, as she peered her head into her husbands office quarters.

"Are the freaks gone dear?" asked Basil.

"Yes, dear" replied Sybil.

"Good. All is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well. Now then...AAAUGH! Who are they?" asked Basil as Elizabeth and Emmett approached the

desk. Basil's eyes widened in horror.

"Are you two ruffians together?" asked Basil.

"Relax Basil. They're brother and sister. I knew them once long ago" Sybil whispered.

"What? I won't have it!" said Basil. He then regained himself. "Ah, yes brother and sister of course.

I had a sister once. She left England to join the League of Metamorphosis, pity. Well then, Polly and Manuel will show to your rooms, BYE!" said Basil.

"What's the League of Metamorphosis?" asked Elizabeth.

"Pretty sure he made that up, Liz!" whispered Emmet.

We join Hyacinth and Richard:

"Oh, I just love the view of the English Riviera, don't you Richard?" said Hyacinth.

"Yes, yes," replied Richard.

"I'm just going to gather myself and get a fresh glass of water from the kitchen" said Hyacinth. She began noticing the floor was creaky and unstable, but brushed it off.

Then she saw a rat on the counter.

"RICHARD! I do believe I'm losing my mind" said Hyacinth.

"You hallucinated another rat?" asked Richard.

"YES! I refuse to believe that Sir Richard and Lady Morris would stay in a place that has rats. I MUST be hallucinating" said Hyacinth.

"I really don't think you're hallucinating dear. I saw a rat as well. And the plumbing is less than sufficient. I think there's a leak in the bathroom" said Richard.

"NONSENSE. I am calling out for some professional pills" said Hyacinth, as she waded through the carpet. Yes, the carpet was VERY wet. She picked up the phone.

"Yes, I am ashamed to admit in this rare moment of extremely slight mental fatigue that I am going to request some medical attention. No, it's nothing serious. Demented hallucination" said Hyacinth. She then realized she wasn't talking to anyone. The phone service did not even operate properly. She dropped the phone and darted away from it as though it were a puff adder.

"Richard, it must be terminal. The phone pretended not to work" said Hyacinth.

We join Onslow, Daisy, and Rose:

"Now remember, O'Reily's men just fixed up this room so things might not be perfect" said Polly.

"I love the room, Polly," said Rose. "Makes me feel like I could drift away into paradise and leave my former life behind, do you ever feel that way?"

"Yes, YES. Quite often actually," said Polly.

"We must get together sometime and go shopping. I would love to take you shopping" said Rose.

"Alright then, well, I'll keep a mental note of it. Heaven knows where you'd take me" said Polly.

"What? What?" asked Rose.

"Not anything important. Enjoy your stay" said Polly, as she did a curtsy with her infamous blue dress.

"I forgot the pizza number, what is it again?" asked Onslow.

"Oh, it's on the post it note on the table to your right. You'll have to dial a special number to get the Peruvian style one!" said Polly.

"I wasn't aware of Peruvian style pizza" said Onslow.

"I was. Best pizza I ever had," said Daisy.

"Is that so?" asked Onslow. Onslow placed an order for the pizza and was met by Basil on the line.

"Oh..yes..Peruvian Style Pizza with Quinoa...yes one of our new specialties. I wouldn't be caught dead eating something as unsophisticated as pizza, it was my wife's idea just so you know.

Available for a limited time. No we don't deliver OUTSIDE the hotel although there may be plans for that

in the future," said Basil. He continued, "Yes, Mongolian BBQ Pizza is also on the menu. You'd like some pineapple? We don't have that.

We do have Mediterranean Meatball Mittens. You don't know what that is? How can you not know what that is? Out of stock on pineapples I'm afraid. Yes, the last shipment got short-changed by a selfish ravenous hamster. Yes, I do mean a literal hamster. No, I can't see if there's more yet...look I'll sort all this out okay? We'll get you some kind of pizza that will manage to meet all your needs" said Basil.

"That was the most peculiar phone conversation I've ever had!" said Onslow, staring into space. He put on the TV.

"Guess who I ran into in the hallway? Mr. Wokenstik! It's my lucky day today. Guess what else you'll never believe? I also thought the manager reminded me of Wakerfield" said Rose.

"Fascinating material," said Daisy.

"Rose, the telly is broken!" said Onslow.

"Wokenstik told me I could join him!" said Rose giddily as she left.

"Oh, nice" said Onslow. Rose opened up the door.

"You don't understand, he's different!" shouted Rose as she slammed the door.

"He must be if he's breaking the law and smuggling you into his room" said Onslow. Rose was leaning against the wall, smoking, her left hand on her hip.

"Alas, it is wrong-it is. It's wrong, I'm a bad girl," said Rose, thinking to herself. "But surely Mr. Wokenstik remembers all the wonderful times we had in this joint" she added.

Manuel walked by.

"There he is, it's that dishy Mr. Wokenstik!" said Rose, chasing after Manuel.

"What are you doing? I know no wokenstik!" said Manuel. The real Mr. Wokenstik, who looked a tad like Manuel appeared before Rose in the hallway.

"That wasn't me, Rose!" said Wokenstik.

"Why must you play these tricks with my mind?" asked Rose in a dramatic tone. Father appeared out of nowhere, running downstairs with a mobile phone in his hand.

Basil caught sight of him thinking he was Manuel due to his fake mustache. He ordered him to go make pizza, as the Chef was on vacation...and Basil was nuts.

He also hired the Major to take over waiter duties.

We very briefly join the Major:

"I would like a crab cake!" said a guest seated at a table.

"Oh my. I don't think cakes should have crabs in them" replied the Major. The Major and Father left and began fishing briefly in the indoor fountain.

"STOP IT! There are sharks in there!" shouted Basil. Major and Father ran into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, we join Manuel and Father:

Manuel and Father were making pizza.

"Un momento. I explain pizza to you. Very simple!" said Manuel. He was spinning the pizza dough in the air with his hands. Father watched intently.

"You're out of tomato sauce" said Father, looking for some tomato sauce.

"Oh no. All out of tomato sauce...is ok, I make compromise" said Manuel, pulling out a can of barbecue sauce and some strips of bacon.

The Major entered the room, and showed Father a mobile phone that Elizabeth had left on a chair.

"Look, the U-boats are attacking" said the Major. "With this device, I can know exactly what they're planning" he added with a very serious grim look. Father took this with as much enthusiasm and gusto as the Major and demanded to be given the device showing a WW2 strategy mobile app.

Onslow Gets His Pizza...and Becomes a TV Star?

Manuel knocked on the door.

"Hello?" asked Onslow as he answered.

"Si, is Manuel!" said Manuel.

"Did the pizza arrive?" asked Onslow.

"Si, there is pizza. Peruvian Wide Dish just as you ordered. Here you go!" said Manuel, handing Onslow the most bizzare breakfast pizza ever devised. Its toppings

consisted of barbecue sauce, cheese, bacon, eggs and cashew butter and jelly, as well as various omellete materials.

"Wide Dish? What does that mean?" asked Onslow.

"Oh. Aheh. So sorry. It just means its widely circulated. A widely circulated dish" replied Manuel.

"Oh, nice" replied Onslow.

Needless to say, Onzlow was very pleased. No, really, he REALLY was. Daisy saw his smile.

"Oh my...I know that look. I remember the last time you gave me that look. It was so long ago. You're BACK AREN'T YOU ONZLO!" said Daisy, as she

attacked Onslow with love. When Onslow was able to finally escape from her clutches, he reached for a piece of pizza.

The crust fell off. Onslow just looked at Daisy with a confused expression.

"Are you sure you've had the same pizza?" asked Onslow.

Just then they heard a knock on the door. Basil opened the door.

"You're all in. We lost our backup. You're all in the commercial!" said Basil.

"What commercial?" asked Onslow.

"You know-THE commercial. Oh well it doesn't matter, here come with me. You two are married aren't you?" said Basil as he shoved the couple out of their room.

The Commercial:

The Vicor and his wife displayed the pizza. It did NOT follow the directions Basil gave so Basil was horrified when he saw it while filming.

Onslow got in the center of the room and began reading from his script.

"Now for a limited time at Fawlty Towers get your Breakfast Peruvian Wide Dish Pizza. It's littered and overflowing with waterfalls of everything you love.

This includes: Barbecue Sauce, Bacon strips, and traditional wide dish flavorings"

Basil just grinned. He didn't have time to do cuts or re-dos. This was it. Polly walked by.

"Need me to be your naughty little partner in crime again?" asked Polly.

"No, there's nothing you could do to save me now" replied Basil. Then Polly got in front of the camera anyway.

"None of that was really true. We just want you to know that at Fawlty Towers, you-the customer-you are always correct, and we're always here to meet your demands. So even if you wanted something as wild as that we might be able to arrange something!" said Polly.

"Pa-Polly...THAT WAS BRILLIANT! You saved me. YES! BINGO!" said Basil as he doubled up his fist and punched the floor. He heard the ceiling crumbling upstairs. He remembered that one of the rooms had an unstable floor from an incident that happened long ago. Rose fell through in front of the camera in the arms of Mr. Wokenstik.

"Before you ask-yes...he really is that good!" said Rose.

A radio playing an FM station fell to the floor as well, blaring out "Welcome to the Jungle"

"NO! NO! CUT! CUT!" said Basil. "Oh crumpet oil. Great gargantuan gallons of crumpet oil" he added.

A soaking wet Hyacinth came walking down the stairs in protest.

She was the victim of a plumbing leak.

"Mr. Fawlty," said Hyacinth. "I wish to speak with you"

"Glittering review I hope," said Basil, adjusting his tie and cuff-links.

"This is the worst establishment I've ever stayed in. Where do you get your tremendous ego from? If my Sheridan were here he'd be appalled" said Hyacinth.

"If your Sheridan is anything like you then I'd be appalled if he were here being appalled" said Basil.

"WHAT? I WILL not have such language" replied Hyacinth.

"Why don't you bring him here then? I'm sure he's a fine bloke. You're not doing a very good job of explaining why you're so upset" said Basil.

"Piss-poor plumbing, spiders in the cereal, rats in the sink, unstable floor, horribly slow service...and two dead pigeons in the water tank there may as well be" said

Hyacinth.

"Funny you should say that, you know we did have that problem once. Well now, is there anything I can do?" asked Basil with a shit eating grin.

"Yes. Apologize. I thought this was a reputable hotel. Apologize by getting all living beings out of here and burning this place to the ground afterwards" said Hyacinth.

"I think I can second that" said Richard.

"Shut up, Richard!" replied Hyacinth.

"Don't you want to stay and see the commercial?" asked Basil. Hyacinth turned over to see Rose and her gentleman friend embracing and kissing.

"No, it's disgraceful. You are inept, incompetent, immoral and insane!" said Hyacinth.

"Well I did eat macaroni and cheese once a long time ago, but you know it was a different time-I was young, forgive me" said Basil.

"Mac and cheese. I should have known, the corrupter of all good things. Shame on you, I knew it, you filthy degenerate" replied Hyacinth.

"But you know...I'm trying my best. And you're trying my best-I mean your best. Most people don't even try to appear more upper class than they are. Most urchins nowadays just drag themselves along like slugs and snails displaying their grossness proudly for all the world to see. But us, we try harder at least!" said Basil.

"What's your point?" asked Hyacinth in a desperate tone.

"You and I both believe in keeping up appearances. Though we sometimes fail-we're at least trying our best!" said Basil happily.

"I won't drink to that. I won't agree to that. I never ever fail!" said Hyacinth, purposefully spilling a glass of water on Basil.

"That's not trying your best to be civil now is it? I thought you told me you had a strong sense of etiquette. You'd only sign with a fancy pen etc" said Basil.

"When I taught my classes one of the first lessons was how to deal with pretenders like you. Richard, pull out your laptop and say that thing again" said Hyacinth as she whispered in her husbands ear.

"Oh, yes. Da-David. David, I know that gold plated pavements might not sound like the most practical thing but it's essential to the posterior-err-what was it again?" asked Richard.

"POSTERITY! Oh, never mind" said Hyacinth.

"What's going on here?" asked Basil.

"Nothing that would be of importance to you. My husband was just in the middle of a crucial Skype conference. Goodbye, lowly worm!" said Hyacinth, as she dragged Richard out the door of the hotel kicking and screaming all the way. But then she came back.

"I suppose I was a little harsh and crude now wasn't I?" said Hyacinth.

"Yes, well, only a little!" said Basil, smiling.

"Yes. I'm sending for a Peruvian Wide Dish Pizza with BBQ Sauce. I expect it by noon" said Hyacinth.

"We do have quite a lot of things in common now don't we?" said Basil.

"Yes, I suppose we do. Even the elect have their little flaws here and there. A world of perfection would be boring, you know I try so hard to tell myself that!" said Hyacinth

as she left. Basil poured some water on the floor, pretending it was Hyacinth.

"Now we really are even!" said Basil to himself. Hyacinth suddenly returned like a ghost out of thin air and whispered in Basil's ears:

"Your place-mats are to die for" said Hyacinth.

Suddenly Basil eyed Elizabeth and Emmet fleeing from their rooms being chased by cats.

"What's wrong with YOUR rooms?" asked Basil.

"CATS! Nothing but cats! They're everywhere!" said Emmet. A trio of cats chased the two siblings followed by a Parrot who was also fleeing.

"You're the gullible naïve fools who wanted those rooms!" shouted Basil waving his fist.

"Well it IS good exercise! I think it's purrfect!" said Elizabeth.

"POLLY! What a catastrophe! I told her to make sure those cats don't enter Room 5 after she cleans! Dash it all!" said Basil.

The Major and Father eyed Rose and Polly.

"THERE THEY ARE! This device led us right to them. They're the HOSTAGES!" shouted The Major. Father and Major approached Rose and Polly. Major approached Rose.

"You're going to be fine dear, I know I can protect you" said Major, in an extremely serious tone.

"I don't think this is going to work!" said Polly, in response to Father. Then the Major and Father ran out the door when they heard Onslow's car making a strange noise, thinking it was an enemy device. Then The Major said something that Polly couldn't quite make out.

"Find the creature! It's behind that tree!" said Major.

"What are they doing?" asked Polly.

"I don't want Hyacinth to hear the ghastly thing I'm about to say...and ESPECIALLY not the Vicor...I think Father is looking for Cloakiemon" said Rose.

Later...

The commercial aired. It was surprisingly a tremendous success driving in lots of new customers to Fawlty Towers.

The end


End file.
